Please Don't Scream!
by Shallow Hallow Man
Summary: This movie parodies Scream and other Slasher films. Please read and review.
1. Default Chapter

Please Don't Scream.  
  
The Sequel to "Who cares what you did last summer."  
  
  
  
Scene 1: The Scream Dream  
  
Ghost face is in the kitchen about to make some popcorn. His phone rings.  
  
He picks it up.  
  
Ghostface: Hello  
  
Voice on phone: Who is this?  
  
Ghostface: Who are you trying to reach?  
  
Voice on phone: What number is this?  
  
Ghostface: What number are you trying to reach?  
  
Voice on phone: Who is this?  
  
Ghostface: You've said that.  
  
Voice on phone: Isn't it you're line?  
  
Ghostface: I don't know. Prompter!  
  
Prompter: Um, where are we up to?  
  
Ghostface: Dumb idiot. (He stabs the prompter many times and grabs the script)  
  
Okay I've got it now. You say wait.  
  
Voice on phone: Wait.  
  
Ghostface: What?  
  
Voice on phone: I want to talk.  
  
Ghostface: Then ring my mum, she's a real talker. See ya.  
  
He hangs up the phone but it rings again.  
  
Ghostface: Hello.  
  
Voice on phone: Hello Sydney.  
  
Ghostface: Sydney? Who is this?  
  
Voice on phone: What? Do you mean this isn't Sydney, you know Neve Campbell.  
  
Ghostface: Huh?  
  
Voice on phone: You know from Party of Five.  
  
Ghostface: No. Who is this?  
  
Voice on phone: Who would you like it to be?  
  
Ghostface: I don't like games. Except twister.  
  
Voice on phone: Twister sucks.  
  
Ghostface: Please, who is this?  
  
Voice on phone: You tell me your name and I'll tell you mine.  
  
Ghostface: Well I am ah Drew Barrymore. (Girl voice): Yes it's me Drew, hello.  
  
Voice on phone: (Sinister laugh) Oh sure. Ghostface.  
  
Ghostface runs to door and locks it and starts walking backwards.  
  
Ghostface falls over a chair.  
  
Voice on phone: What's that noise?  
  
Ghostface runs over to the popcorn machine and turns it on.  
  
Ghostface: I'm making popcorn.  
  
Voice on phone: I usually have popcorn when I'm at the movies.  
  
Ghostface: Well I'm about to watch a movie.  
  
Voice on phone: Really? What?  
  
Ghostface: Just some Scary Movie.  
  
Voice on phone: Do you like scary movies?  
  
Ghostface: Ah-ha.  
  
Voice on phone: What's your favourite?  
  
Ghostface: Um Halloween.  
  
Voice on phone: No it's not! It's the middle of March.  
  
Ghostface: Then it must be ahhh Friday the 13th!  
  
Voice on phone: Sorry but it's Monday the 6th. Wrong again!  
  
Ghostface: No I mean the titles of movies.  
  
Voice on phone: Movies! They aren't movies. Name some real movies.  
  
Ghostface: I know what you did last summer.  
  
Voice on phone: You do! But how could you, I was all alone. Please don't say anything about my secret?  
  
Ghostface: What secret?  
  
Voice on phone: You know… how I ran over that guy and threw his body in the ocean.  
  
Ghostface: But don't you kill people for a living?  
  
Voice on phone: Oh yeah.  
  
Ghostface: I've got a better movie title.  
  
Voice on phone: What is it?  
  
Ghostface: Scream.  
  
Voice on phone: (Screams) Now what?  
  
Ghostface: No, the movie title Scream.  
  
Voice on phone: Think of a proper scary movie now!  
  
Ghostface: Ah Gremlins.  
  
Voice on phone: Gremlins! Is that the best you can think of?  
  
Ghostface: Listen Freddy, you've had your fun I'm going to hang up.  
  
Voice on phone: What would you do if I told you this isn't Freddy?  
  
Ghostface: I'd hang up.  
  
Voice on phone: This isn't Freddy. Don't hang up on me.  
  
Ghostface hangs up and runs over to his popcorn.  
  
Ghostface: Who does Freddy think he is? He isn't scaring anybody.  
  
The cordless phone rings.  
  
Ghostface: Yes!  
  
Voice on phone: I told you not to hang up on me.  
  
Ghostface: Come on Freddy this isn't funny anymore.  
  
Voice on phone: This isn't Freddy.  
  
Ghostface: Oh yeah (He looks at Caller ID it says Not Freddy) Oh no!  
  
Voice on phone: Do you have a girlfriend?  
  
Ghostface: Why, do you want to ask me out?  
  
Voice on phone: Uhhh! No!  
  
Ghostface: Then why?  
  
Voice on phone: Why do you think?  
  
Ghostface: Why do you always answer a question with a question?  
  
Voice on phone: Why do you think I always answer a question with a question?  
  
Ghostface: Listen ass hole  
  
Voice on phone: No you listen you ugly bastard, you hang up on me again and I'll, I'll… Well I'll think of something evil to do.  
  
Ghostface: This has gone on long enough. I am two seconds away from calling the police.  
  
Voice on phone: They'd never get here in time. We're all alone out here. Do you want to die tonight? Your hamster didn't.  
  
Ghostface: You monster! How dare you kill Rodney! Damn you!  
  
A noise is heard outside.  
  
Ghostface: A strange noise, I'd better go investigate.  
  
He is about to leave the house.  
  
Ghostface starts to turn the doorknob.  
  
The phone rings.  
  
Ghostface stops and answers it.  
  
Voice on phone: Didn't you see ET? You never go outside to investigate a strange noise! You might meet a kind, gentle alien or something! Anyway I don't want to kill you. Yet.  
  
Ghostface: What do you want?  
  
Voice on phone: To know what your insides look like.  
  
Ghostface: Oh, well I'll show you. (He gets a knife and cuts his stomach he pulls out some sausages in sauce) Here's my intestine  
  
Voice on phone: Put them back. You know you never did tell me your name.  
  
Ghostface: Why do you want to know my name?  
  
Voice on phone: I want to know who I'm looking at.  
  
Ghostface: What did you just say?  
  
Voice on phone: I want to know who I'm looking at.  
  
Ghostface: What did you just say?  
  
Voice on phone: I want to know who I'm talking too.  
  
Ghostface: Phew, I thought you said I want to know who I'm looking at.  
  
Voice on phone: How do you know I didn't say that?  
  
Ghostface: Well I can easily check.  
  
Ghostface turns on the TV and rewinds a tape a bit.  
  
On TV:  
  
Voice on phone: I want to who I'm looking at.  
  
In real life:  
  
Voice on phone: See I said I want to know who I'm talking too.  
  
Ghostface: That's not what you said.  
  
He goes over to dining room window and turns on the light.  
  
A girl in a ghostface mask is out there.  
  
Ghostface: No!  
  
Voice on phone: Oh! She's not meant to be out there until the second time you turn on the light.  
  
He runs over and opens the door.  
  
Voice on phone: I wouldn't do that if I were you!  
  
Voice on phone: What are you going to do to save your wife?  
  
Ghostface: Wife! I don't care about my wife; I'll just buy a new one tomorrow. I'm worried about my beautiful green chair.  
  
Voice on phone: Oh! Um that's not your wife that's your garbage man.  
  
Ghostface: No! Not the garbage man! Please don't hurt him.  
  
Voice on phone: That all depends on you. If you want to save the garbage man you must answer correctly the following questions.  
  
Ghostface: No.  
  
Voice on phone: Come on I'll even give you a warm up question. What's the name of the cute furry gremlin from the movie Gremlins?  
  
Ghostface: Please, no.  
  
Voice on phone: Come on it's your favourite movie.  
  
Ghostface: Gizmo.  
  
Voice on phone: Yes we have a winner! And now the real questions. Same category. Who's the actor who plays Dracula in Dracula Dead and loving it?  
  
Ghostface: No!  
  
Voice on phone: Maybe I'll just kill the garbage man now.  
  
Ghostface: Liam Neeson!  
  
Voice on phone: Hooray you got it wrong!  
  
Ghostface: No I didn't I've seen that movie twenty times, wait I only saw it once, no I didn't even see half of it, actually I went and did the dishes while it was on.  
  
Voice on phone: Then you should know it was Leslie Nelson. Lucky for you there's a bonus round but poor garbage man. He's out.  
  
Chopping sound's are heard.  
  
Ghostface looks and sees Garbage man dead. He starts crying.  
  
Voice on phone: Hey, I haven't finished with you.  
  
Ghostface picks the phone back up.  
  
Voice on phone: Last question. If you get it right, you live, wrong you die. Simple isn't it? Which door am I at the front door or the back door?  
  
Ghostface: Look can you ring me back tomorrow because I'm rather busy tonight.  
  
Voice on phone: No. So which door am I at?  
  
Ghostface looks out peephole of front door. No one is there.  
  
Ghostface: Backdoor.  
  
Voice on phone: No.  
  
Ghostface looks out back door. No one is there.  
  
Ghostface: Front door.  
  
Voice on phone: Wrong again.  
  
Ghostface: Well I'd like to use one of my lifelines.  
  
Voice on phone: Okay. Which one ask the audience, ring a friend or 50/50?  
  
Ghostface: Ring a friend.  
  
Voice on phone: I'll hold.  
  
Ghostface dials 00.  
  
Voice on phone: No you can't ring the police.  
  
Ghostface goes to the yellow pages.  
  
Voice on phone: Oh you're taking too long.  
  
He throws a chair through the window. (Scream footage)  
  
Ghostface turns around: Noooo!  
  
Scary Voice runs at him with a knife.  
  
Ghostface runs outside to the front yard.  
  
Scary Voice follows him.  
  
Scary Voice grabs Ghostface around the neck and is about to stab him… 


	2. Scene 2

Scene 2: Voodoo Pizza  
  
Ghostface wakes up in the TV room. He somersaults off his chair.  
  
Ghostface: Whoa no more scary movies for me.  
  
Titles: Please Don't Scream.  
  
Ghostface is on the phone: Am I scaring you?  
  
Voice on phone: Yes, sir I'm wetting myself but what would you like on your pizza?  
  
Ghostface: You're going to die tonight.  
  
Voice on phone: Do you want the killer's special sir?  
  
Ghostface: Yes. But only if you deliver it yourself.  
  
Voice on phone: Thank you for ordering with Voodoo Pizza. I'll be round in 5 minutes.  
  
Ghostface hangs up.  
  
Ghostface: Better turn on the outside light.  
  
Ghostface turns it on and notices a photo album on the ground.  
  
He opens it.  
  
There is a picture of a baby wearing a ghostface mask with a cake in front of him.  
  
Ghostface: Ohhhh. My first birthday.  
  
Next to it is a picture of a dog wearing a ghostface mask.  
  
Ghostface: My first pet. Ghostdog.  
  
The next picture is of him on the phone.  
  
Ghostface: Ohhh. Me a few seconds ago talking on the phone.  
  
The doorbell rings.  
  
Ghostface: Who's there?  
  
He opens the door.  
  
Pizza guy is wearing the same mask as in Ghostface's dream.  
  
Ghostface: Ahhhhhhhh!  
  
Pizza guy: Here's your "killer special" voodoo pizza. That will be twelve dollars.  
  
Ghostface opens his pizza.  
  
Ghostface: Anchovies! I didn't want anchovies!  
  
Ghostface pulls out his money and shoves it into Pizza guy's head.  
  
Ghostface: Oops. Wrong object.  
  
He shoves the knife into Pizza guy again and again.  
  
Ghostface: This one's on the house.  
  
He drags the body inside and closes the front door.  
  
He notices a note on the pizza box.  
  
Ghostface: Hmmm. A note.  
  
He picks it up and starts reading it.  
  
Ghostface: READ THIS CURSE AND MAKE A WISH.  
  
Ghostface starts to read the curse: SDRAWK CAB TID AER!  
  
Ghostface: Oh! It didn't work.  
  
He thinks for a moment.  
  
Ghostface: Hang on maybe I have to read it backwards.  
  
Ghostface starts reading again: REA DIT BAC KWARDS. Read it backwards! It was a puzzle. Boy am I…  
  
Lightning and thunder is seen. (Psycho footage)  
  
Ghostface: smart. And now I can wish for anything…  
  
IMAGINATION SEQUENCE  
  
Ghostface has lots of money in his hands.  
  
Ghostface: Servant.  
  
A servant runs in.  
  
Ghostface hands him a wad of notes.  
  
Ghostface: Go buy me 100 voodoo pizzas.  
  
Servant: Can I have one sir?  
  
Ghostface: No! I'm very hungry.  
  
Servant runs off as Ghostface is laughing.  
  
END OF IMAGINATION SEQUENCE  
  
Ghostface: No. How about power?  
  
IMAGINATION SEQUENCE #2  
  
Ghostface has a little moustache.  
  
Three guards run on.  
  
First guard: Hey ghostface! Where should we take over today?  
  
Second guard: Australia or Antartica?  
  
Ghostface: Vee shiel take over zee Austraya.  
  
Third guard: All hail ghostface.  
  
Guards: Hail ghostface!  
  
END OF IMAGINATION SEQUENCE #2  
  
Ghostface: Wait! I've got it. REA DIT BAC KWARDS. Bring back those who I killed last summer. The ones I chased and the ones I pushed, the ones that I stabbed and the ones who didn't know I was Stu Kick's dad.  
  
Film of Ghostface killing Julie and Barry is shown as he says the wish.  
  
Ghostface: Eh, nothing happened. I knew it was all a con. 


	3. Scene 3

Scene 3: The Reunion  
  
The front door bursts open.  
  
Julie enters.  
  
Barry enters with bent back.  
  
1 Barry: Bloody humped coffins!  
  
Ghostface: You're, you're alive!  
  
Julie: Yes well the dead don't usually move or talk.  
  
Barry: Hello, could somebody please help me.  
  
Ghostface: Oh, sorry.  
  
He pushes Barry's back up and then it bends back the other way.  
  
Barry: Oh great.  
  
Ghostface pushes him back up to normal.  
  
Barry: Thank you.  
  
Stu comes through the front door.  
  
Barry, Julie and Ghostface: Stu!  
  
Ghostface: But, but I didn't kill you.  
  
Julie: Yeah Barry did.  
  
Barry: Yes I did . And all by myself. (Claps and cheers are heard, Barry bows) Thank you, Thank you.  
  
Stu: No he didn't. The knife he threw at me only made me faint. My dad was the one that killed me.  
  
Ghostface: That's a lie.  
  
Stu: Well I can prove it. Take this. (He hands a tape to Barry)  
  
Barry puts the tape in the machine.  
  
On TV  
  
Stu is playing with his toys in front of a hidden camera.  
  
Stu: Hello caterpillar.  
  
Mr. Jameso shouts: Stu!  
  
Stu quickly jumps back into bed.  
  
Mr. Jameso walks in with a tray with some soup in it. He stands in front of the camera with it.  
  
Mr. Jameso: Now don't complain if it tastes weird because I've just put some poison in it.  
  
Stu: I'm sorry but did you say poison.  
  
Mr. Jameso: No I said medicine.  
  
Mr. Jameso pours some poison into Stu's soup.  
  
Barry stops the tape.  
  
Ghostface: Oh it's true, it's true I'm guilty.  
  
Julie: We know we just saw the tape.  
  
Barry: But why did you do it?  
  
Ghostface: Boredom.  
  
Julie: Then who killed Barry and me?  
  
Ghostface: I did that too.  
  
2 CUT  
  
Upstairs dad's door is rattling. It bursts open and Betty steps out.  
  
Betty: Mr. Jameso!  
  
Betty runs downstairs.  
  
Mr. Jameso: Oh no! Betty!  
  
Betty: How dare you lock me up for six months with no food or water?  
  
Julie: Six months and you're not dead!  
  
Betty: I'm invincible!  
  
Ghostface: Wow so special.  
  
Betty goes into the kitchen and comes out with a glass of water.  
  
Barry: Ahhhhhh!  
  
Betty: What?  
  
Barry: I'm afraid of water. (Everybody looks at him) Hey I died in the shower.  
  
Julie: Barry if you had come over quicker we may have been able to beat dad.  
  
Barry: Yeah well if you hadn't invited me over I wouldn't be dead.  
  
Betty: Well it was your dad who killed you two and tried to kill me.  
  
Ghostface: Hey! I only killed because everyone forgot my birthday.  
  
Julie: We were planning a surprise party.  
  
Ghostface: Well someone should have told me!  
  
Julie: Didn't you hear me it was meant to be a surprise.  
  
Ghostface: Well you still should have told me. You told me last birthday.  
  
Julie: That's because you held a gun to my head!  
  
Stu: None of us would be angry with each other if dad had never killed us.  
  
Everyone starts talking.  
  
A whistle is blown. 


	4. Scene 4

Scene 4: Enter the Umpire  
  
An umpire walks on.  
  
Umpire: Stop!  
  
Julie: Who on earth are you?  
  
Barry is looking through a script that says Please Don't Scream.  
  
Stu: I don't remember you being in the script.  
  
Umpire: Well I decided to take action. You sissies were just going to keep on talking.  
  
Barry: Actually we talk, then we slap and then we kiss and make up.  
  
The umpire grabs the script from Barry and throws it away.  
  
Umpire: Well I'm here to change that. I'm going to start a game.  
  
Betty: A game what kind of game?  
  
Umpire: A one on one killing spree game.  
  
Ghostface: Oh goody!  
  
Umpire: But there are certain basic rules to follow.  
  
He hands each of them a sheet of the rules.  
  
Umpire: The main one is you must have a mask and weapon.  
  
Ghostface: I'm ready.  
  
Julie, Barry, Betty and Stu: We're not.  
  
Umpire: I'll find you masks and weapons. Close your eyes and wait here.  
  
Ghostface: What do I do?  
  
Umpire: Just do the same as the others.  
  
Umpire finds a smiley face mask (In Julie's room), dead body mask (On Pizza Guy he then puts Pizza Guy in the drying cupboard), monkey mask (On Stu's cupboard floor) and hockey mask in gumboot cupboard.  
  
He grabs a knife from the kitchen, hedge clippers from the laundry, water pistol from the bathroom and a cricket bat from Stu's bedroom.  
  
He comes downstairs with 4 bags he hands one to each of them.  
  
Umpire: In each bag is a mask, a weapon and a change of clothes. There was also meant to be a chocolate but ahh I forgot them. (He burps)  
  
Everyone starts to head off.  
  
Umpire: But before you go do any of you have any super powers or abilities?  
  
Barry: I once tore a phone book in half. (Quieter: One page at a time)  
  
Ghostface: I can recite the whole script of Scream. Hello, who is this?, who are you trying to reach, what number is this?, what number are you trying to reach…  
  
Umpire: Does anyone have any real powers here? (Ghostface can still be heard in the background)  
  
Stu: Betty's invincible.  
  
Umpire: Really?  
  
Betty: That's not true.  
  
Barry: Oh yeah (He grabs Ghostface's knife and stabs her in the stomach)  
  
Betty: Ow, oh the pain. Aw what's the use?  
  
Umpire: But how?  
  
Betty: It's this necklace. Anyone who wears it has the power of invincibility.  
  
Umpire: Where'd you get it?  
  
Betty: I found it in… a Kinder Surprise.  
  
Umpire: Really? I thought they only gave away fun little plastic toys.  
  
Ghostface: It all started with a scream over 911 and ended in a blood bath at here at this house.  
  
Umpire: Have you finished?  
  
Ghostface: Do you want me to recite Scream 2?  
  
Umpire: No! No!  
  
Umpire: Hand over the necklace Betty?  
  
Betty: Oh.  
  
She hands it to him and he pockets it.  
  
Umpire: Now go upstairs a get changed. Your room is written on the bag.  
  
They go upstairs.  
  
Umpire: Ghostface go stand outside the front door.  
  
Ghostface: Alright then.  
  
He leaves.  
  
Umpire stands next to the TV and talks to the camera: For all of you at home there are certain rules to follow in order to play a horror movie. Rule number 1: You can never ever leave the house. He turns on the TV.  
  
On TV  
  
He locks all doors and closes the windows.  
  
Man: There.  
  
A guy bursts through the door.  
  
Guy: Hi.  
  
Man closes it again angrily.  
  
Off TV  
  
Umpire: Rule number 2: You can work in partners but not in threes or fours.  
  
On TV  
  
Man #1: Hey do you want to be partners?  
  
Man #2: Okay.  
  
Woman #1: Can I join your group?  
  
Man #1: No.  
  
He shoves her away.  
  
Man #3: What about me?  
  
Man#2: No never.  
  
He grabs him in a headlock and starts punching him.  
  
Off TV  
  
Umpire: Rule number 3 the winner is the one who stays alive the longest.  
  
1 On TV  
  
4 people are standing together.  
  
One of them taps them all. (They all fall over dead) (Extremely faked)  
  
Man: I won.  
  
Off TV  
  
Umpire: And finally the most important rule of them all: rule number 4: who must have a mask, weapon and a different costume. So no one knows who you are.  
  
Four figures put on masks and move their weapons.  
  
Umpire: And those are the rules of how to play a horror movie.  
  
Four masked characters come down.  
  
Monkey is wearing a sticker that says Betty.  
  
Umpire: No. What are you doing?  
  
He takes the sticker off.  
  
Ghostface opens the door: Can I come in now?  
  
Umpire: Ghostface, hockey mask and smiley start upstairs. Dead guy and monkey you start down here. 


	5. Scene 5

1.1 Scene 5: Let the games begin!  
  
2 Downstairs  
  
Dead Guy: Hey monkey do you want to become partners and kill the rest together?  
  
Monkey: Okay.  
  
They reach to shake hands and Dead Guy cuts monkey's hand off with the hedge clippers.  
  
Monkey: Joke's on you that was just a rubber glove filled with cotton balls! Ha!  
  
He has the hedge clippers above Monkey's hand.  
  
She notices and sprays him in the eyes with the water.  
  
Dead Guy: Oh no I'm melting! Melting!  
  
He pretends to fall to the ground.  
  
Monkey: I killed him!  
  
Dead Guy: No you didn't!  
  
He jumps up and Monkey kicks him in the stomach. He smashes into the wall.  
  
Monkey runs into the lounge room and hides behind the curtains.  
  
Upstairs in dad's study Smiley is looking in a big book.  
  
Smiley: Ways to kill killers and monsters. Shoot it in the head with a harpoon torpedo. Hmmm I wonder if a BB gun would do. Get him to fight with his good twin and he'll slip into a volcano. Oh I can just see that ending with third degree burns. How about water it?  
  
Barry's afraid of water. But I need that water pistol.  
  
Smiley goes downstairs and stabs Monkey in the lounge room. She then runs upstairs and squirts Dead Guy with the water gun. She grabs his cricket bat and whacks Hockey mask on the head with it. She grabs his knife and goes downstairs and stabs Ghostface in the stomach while he is reading the paper.  
  
Back in the study.  
  
Smiley: Yes that's what I'll do.  
  
Smiley runs downstairs.  
  
Smiley: Oh Monkey.  
  
Behind the curtain Monkey looks up.  
  
Smiley: Oh I guess I'll have to hide and wait.  
  
She hides behind the other end of the curtains.  
  
3 In the TV Room  
  
Dead Guy wakes up.  
  
Dead Guy: Hello!  
  
He notices two lumps in the curtains.  
  
Dead Guy: Aha!  
  
He runs into the lounge room and goes behind the curtains.  
  
Dead Guy: The perfect hiding spot!  
  
Upstairs in the hallway.  
  
Ghostface is looking around.  
  
Hockey mask jumps out of the bathroom.  
  
Hockey mask: Ya!  
  
Ghostface: Ya!  
  
They run for each other.  
  
Ghostface shoves him knife into Hockey mask's eye. It doesn't go all the way in.  
  
Hockey face: Nah nah doesn't fit.  
  
Hockey mask smacks Ghostface with the cricket bat.  
  
Somebody throws a remote control at Ghostface.  
  
Ghostface: Hey!  
  
He picks it up and presses pause.  
  
Ghostface: Pause.  
  
Hockey mask freezes.  
  
Ghostface runs downstairs and gets a smaller knife.  
  
He goes behind Hockey mask.  
  
Ghostface presses the remote.  
  
Ghostface: Unpause.  
  
Hockey mask hits the air.  
  
Hockey mask: Huh!  
  
Ghostface taps him on the shoulder.  
  
Hockey mask turns around and Ghostface crawls through his legs.  
  
Hockey mask turns around and Ghostface stabs him in the eye with the smaller knife.  
  
Hockey mask: Ahhh!  
  
Ghostface stabs him in the other eye.  
  
Ghostface: Hot enough for ya!  
  
A scoreboard is shown with Hockey Mask with dead written next to him and Ghostface with one kill.  
  
Ghostface: Now where are all the rest?  
  
He runs downstairs and hides behind the curtains.  
  
Behind the curtains:  
  
Monkey sighs, Dead Guy is playing a gameboy and Ghostface looks at his watch.  
  
Smiley: (Shouting) Ow come on!  
  
Everyone notices each other.  
  
They all rush out of the curtain and run upstairs. 


	6. Scene 6

Scene 6: Ghostface Gets It  
  
Ghostface is walking up the hallway when Dead Guy and Monkey appear at opposite ends.  
  
Dead Guy: Let's get him.  
  
Monkey: Yes. Lets.  
  
They run for Ghostface and end up all hugging.  
  
The all jump away disgusted.  
  
Ghostface runs into Julie's room and locks the door.  
  
Dead Guy and Monkey elbow the door four times and it opens.  
  
Ghostface is in the bed.  
  
Dead Guy: Say goodnight Ghostface!  
  
Monkey picks up a pillow and they start smothering him.  
  
Ghostface: No! No!  
  
He stops moving.  
  
Monkey: Our work is done.  
  
They leave the room.  
  
Ghostface gets up. He put his mask on his feet so he wasn't smothered.  
  
Ghostface: They're going down! Right after I've had a little rest.  
  
He lies on the bed and falls asleep.  
  
Scoreboard shows Ghostface 1 kill, Hockey mask dead and Monkey and Dead Guy stupid. 


	7. Scene 7

Scene 7: The Scared of Water Boy  
  
Dead Guy enters the kitchen.  
  
Smiley: Hey Barry!  
  
He sprays all the exits with a bottle which has H20 (Water Stupid) written on it.  
  
Smiley: How are you going to escape now Barry?  
  
Dead Guy: But how did you know I was Barry?  
  
Smiley: I guessed.  
  
Barry's brain: Come on Barry use your brain?  
  
Barry: I am.  
  
Barry's brain: Oh no leave me out of this!  
  
Barry runs and jumps (Slow-Mo) over the water.  
  
Barry: I'm doing it!  
  
He lands and in front of him is Smiley.  
  
Smiley: Say hello to Satan for me.  
  
Smiley shoves Barry into the water (Slow-Mo).  
  
Barry: Nooo!  
  
Smiley squirts him with the water.  
  
Barry shakes.  
  
Smiley does it again.  
  
Barry shakes again.  
  
Smiley keeps squirting him and Barry keeps shaking.  
  
Smiley: (Laughs)  
  
Scoreboards shows Ghostface dead, Barry dead, Smiley 1 kill and Hockey mask dead. 


	8. Scene 8

Scene 8: Someone Knows What He did  
  
The doorbell rings and Ghostface answers it.  
  
Ghostface: Anyone here? Hmm?  
  
He goes back inside.  
  
It rings again.  
  
Ghostface: Hello!  
  
He goes back inside.  
  
The doorbell rings.  
  
Ghostface opens it: Now listen you little punks.  
  
Mailman: Hey! I'm the mailman! Never be rude to the mailman.  
  
Ghostface: Sorry.  
  
Mailman: Here's a letter for you. (Quietly): Bloody psycho.  
  
Ghostface: Why thank you.  
  
He walks back inside and sits down at the table.  
  
He puts on his glasses and it about to open the letter with a knife.  
  
There is some blood on the knife.  
  
Ghostface: Whoops. (He licks the bloods off and opens the letter.)  
  
He opens the letter and reads it: I know what you did last summer.  
  
Ghostface: Last summer? All I did last summer was eat, sleep and kill. I mean drink.  
  
The phone rings.  
  
Voice on phone: I know what you did last… sumo, sum  
  
Ghostface: Summer.  
  
He hangs up.  
  
Ghostface: Last summer?  
  
The doorbell rings.  
  
Ghostface opens the door.  
  
A man with a tiny hook is standing there.  
  
Man: I know what you did last summer.  
  
Ghostface: What are you talking about?  
  
Man: The guy you killed. Damn! Must have got the wrong house again.  
  
Ghostface: Do you mean the car accident? Because that was in Autumn.  
  
FLASHBACK  
  
Ghostface gets into the car and starts the engine.  
  
Ghostface: Oh I forgot my purse.  
  
He opens the car door and hits someone running past.  
  
Ghostface: What are you doing in my carport?  
  
Man on ground: I'm running in the Garageathon.  
  
Two runners run past and there is a sign on the wall that says Garagethon, with an arrow.  
  
Ghostface: Oh sorry man.  
  
The man doesn't move.  
  
Ghostface kicks the guy.  
  
Ghostface: Oh no!  
  
He opens the boot and puts the body there.  
  
Ghostface: There. And no witnesses at all.  
  
A boy is standing right behind him.  
  
Boy: I… I didn't see anything.  
  
He runs away.  
  
1 END OF FLASHBACK  
  
Ghostface: And that's the last I heard of that dead guy.  
  
Man: Did you move him?  
  
Ghostface: Move who?  
  
Man: The guy you killed.  
  
Ghostface: Oh! Nope.  
  
Man: Then he's still in the boot.  
  
Ghostface: Oh no.  
  
The man lifts up his hook ready to strike.  
  
CUT  
  
Ghostface wakes up: Noooooo!  
  
A poster on the wall says I know.  
  
Ghostface: Ho!  
  
He pulls a piece of papers down.  
  
It actually says I know nothing.  
  
CUT  
  
Umpire in a room with a microphone.  
  
Umpire: Hello I'm Wes Craven the commentator and umpire of this killing spree game.  
  
I am being broadcast to you from the commentary box. Or as some people call it the toilet. Ghostface has had a very impressive kill and probably will have a few more. Smiley also has had a 1 kill. Hockey mask and Dead Guy are out of the match. 


	9. Scene 9

Scene 9: And then there were three.  
  
1 Monkey enters the dining room and a hand grabs from under the table.  
  
Monkey: Ahhhh!  
  
He throws Smiley out from under the table while still holding his leg.  
  
Ghostface is about to spear him with a fire poker.  
  
Monkey: Grab.  
  
Monkey grabs the spear and chases Ghostface with it.  
  
Monkey is about to spear him but when Ghostface puts up his hand it stops the spear.  
  
Monkey: What?  
  
Ghostface stabs it right though Monkey and Monkey falls to the ground.  
  
The umpire runs on.  
  
Umpire: Monkey how does it feel to be dead?  
  
Monkey: Well it's not as good as being alive but I'll get used to it.  
  
Umpire: What do you think was Ghostface's motive?  
  
Monkey: Well, you told him to kill everyone. It's your fault I'm dead.  
  
Umpire: Ghostface, what do you think you're chances are of winning?  
  
Ghostface: A million to one. No wait I've got to think rationally. A billion to one.  
  
Umpire: And how do you plan to kill Smiley?  
  
Ghostface: I'm not allowed to give away plot secrets.  
  
Umpire: Come on Ghostface.  
  
Ghostface: Shut up or I'll kill you.  
  
Umpire: Okay, okay, back to the action! 


	10. Scene 10

Scene 10: The Final Two.  
  
Smiley approaches Ghostface.  
  
Smiley: What did you do that for?  
  
Ghostface: Do what?  
  
Smiley: You took my kill.  
  
Ghostface: Your kill! I stabbed him through the chest with a fire poker. What were you going to do? Tickle him to death?  
  
Smiley: Oh!  
  
Ghostface: Hmmm!  
  
Ghostface: Who are you anyway?  
  
Umpire runs on: She can't tell you that.  
  
Ghostface: Stupid masks. (He starts hitting his face) Please tell me.  
  
Umpire: Don't tell him Julie.  
  
They walk off in different directions.  
  
Smiley is nearing the door.  
  
Ghostface: Hey where are you going?  
  
Smiley: I'm leaving.  
  
Ghostface: No.  
  
Ghostface runs down to her.  
  
Ghostface: But why?  
  
Smiley: I don't want this to end in violence. There's too much violence in the world today.  
  
Ghostface: There's not enough violence in the world today. Take for example Snow White and the seven Dwarfs. You've got Happy, Bashful, Dopey but where's Psycho, Crazy and Sicko? Anyway what am I going to do with out you?  
  
Smiley: Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn!  
  
She tries to leave but the door is locked.  
  
Smiley: Well I guess I'll be leaving by doggy door.  
  
She goes down on the ground and bangs into the door.  
  
Smiley: Ah! We really should get a doggy door!  
  
Ghostface: Poor little Smiley can't get away what are you going to do now?  
  
Smiley: I'm going to… run!  
  
Smiley runs upstairs and into the bathroom.  
  
Ghostface grabs her and shoves her into a basin full of water.  
  
She bursts out and lunges for him.  
  
She starts pulling his neck back.  
  
Cracks are heard.  
  
Smiley: I hear cracking but nothings breaking.  
  
Ghostface: Actually the cracks are coming from the twigs your stepping on.  
  
We see she is stepping on twigs.  
  
Ghostface grabs her around the neck.  
  
Then she grabs him around the neck.  
  
They strangle each other for a moment and then she kicks him in the stomach.  
  
Ghostface: Ahhhhhh!  
  
He falls over.  
  
Ghostface: Oh you're going to pay.  
  
Smiley runs downstairs.  
  
Ghostface grabs a piece of string and follows Smiley downstairs.  
  
They are both on one side of the bench.  
  
Ghostface stands up, sees nothing and goes back down.  
  
Smiley stands up sees nothing and goes back down.  
  
They both stand up with their backs to each other.  
  
They both turn to each other and Ghostface grabs Smiley around the neck with the string.  
  
He drags her upstairs into Stu's room and chokes her.  
  
Smiley: Please! I don't want to die!  
  
Ghostface: Not many people do.  
  
She collapses dead. 


	11. Scene 11

Scene 11: I'm the King of the Killers  
  
Titanic music is heard and all the dead killers are shown.  
  
Ghostface stands up in the lounge room.  
  
Ghostface: I'm the king of killers!  
  
Smiley gets up and turns off a tape recorder. The music stops.  
  
Ghostface: I'm the king…  
  
Smiley comes downstairs and says: Of the losers!  
  
Smiley: I wasn't dead. I faked it.  
  
Ghostface: Well you'll be dead in a minute.  
  
Smiley runs to one end of the hallway and Ghostface is at the other.  
  
Ghostface holds up a butter knife.  
  
Smiley holds up a cutlery knife.  
  
Ghostface holds up a small sharp knife.  
  
Smiley holds up a bigger sharp knife.  
  
Ghostface holds up a bigger sharp knife.  
  
Smiley holds up a bigger sharp knife.  
  
Ghostface holds up the biggest knife.  
  
Smiley holds up a bread knife.  
  
Ghostface: Hey that's a bread knife!  
  
Smiley: Oh sorry.  
  
Smiley holds up the same size knife as Ghostface.  
  
The run for each other and just as they have the knife at each others head a whistle blows. 


	12. Scene 12

Scene 12: Survivor.  
  
The umpire runs on.  
  
Umpire: Very good show guys but now its time for the Tribal Council.  
  
Ghostface and Smiley: What?  
  
Umpire: You're the final two. The ones who if voted for win the million dollars.  
  
The three dead killers get up.  
  
Everyone walks downstairs and hits a person with a stick as they enter the lounge room.  
  
They all sit around a tiny candle.  
  
Umpire: Stupid budget cuts!  
  
Everybody sits around the tiny candle.  
  
Umpire: Wow! The final Tribal Council. The time's gone so fast hasn't it?  
  
We've got the two finalists Smiley and Ghostface here and you're going to vote for the best killer. Now would you two like to make a speech?  
  
Ghostface: Yes. Vote for me or I'll slit your throat.  
  
Umpire: Smiley.  
  
Smiley: I know not all off us have been friends but…  
  
Ghostface: Vote for me or (He makes the across the throat threat).  
  
Smiley: I just hope that you vote for who you think deserves the money.  
  
Umpire: And now you three have a chance to ask any questions to Ghostface or Smiley or just make a comment. Hockey mask you first.  
  
Hockey mask: Yes. I've got a question for Ghostface. Why did you stab me in both eyes? One would've been enough.  
  
Ghostface: Well Hockey mask why does a stamp collector collect stamps?  
  
Hockey mask: Speak in English.  
  
Ghostface: For fun. If this were a horror movie that's how you'd die.  
  
  
  
Umpire: Monkey.  
  
Monkey: All I want to say is we should let nature take its place. Smiley is the mouse and Ghostface the cheese. Ghostface is all stinky, bacteria full and nice to eat on biscuits but Smiley, she is the hunter the one who will catch and eat the cheese. In other words I hate Ghostface so vote for Smiley.  
  
Umpire: Dead Guy.  
  
Dead Guy: What?  
  
Umpire: Are you going to ask them something or make a comment?  
  
Dead Guy: Why should I? I hate you all!  
  
Umpire: Okay. Time to vote. Hockey mask you go first.  
  
Hockey mask writes down Ghostface.  
  
Hockey mask: Even though he killed me I'm still voting for Ghostface to win because the script says so.  
  
Umpire: Monkey.  
  
Monkey writes down Smiley.  
  
Monkey: I'm voting for Smiley. Because well you just heard my speech. I hate Ghostface.  
  
Umpire: Dead Guy.  
  
Dead Guy goes up.  
  
The camera is going around Ghostface and Smiley and then it just collapses.  
  
Ghostface: The camera guys collapsed again.  
  
Umpire: Luke, wake up.  
  
Luke: Oh, oh sorry.  
  
He gets up.  
  
Umpire gets the bucket of votes.  
  
Umpire: And now to tally the votes.  
  
Umpire: First vote Smiley.  
  
The camera goes to Smiley.  
  
Umpire: Second vote Ghostface.  
  
The camera goes to Ghostface.  
  
Umpire: And now the deciding vote Big Mamma! Who voted for Big Mamma?  
  
Ghostface: I'm Big Mamma! I won.  
  
Umpire: No you're not.  
  
Dead Guy: I voted for Big Mamma! She deserves the million dollars!  
  
Umpire: I'll make the deciding vote. Smiley.  
  
Ghostface bursts into tears.  
  
Smiley: I won! Take that Ghostface! You lost! Ha ha!  
  
Hockey mask: And I'm the mole!  
  
Monkey: And I'm looking for a lover.  
  
Everyone moves away from him. 


	13. Scene 13

Scene 13: Reality TV  
  
1 A couple is sitting in the TV room and they were just watching Smiley win.  
  
Man: Stupid reality TV shows.  
  
Woman: Change the channel  
  
The man is eating chips and the woman is painting her nails.  
  
On TV  
  
Bits from Psycho.  
  
Voice over: Check in. Take a shower. And die. Or just enjoy the shower.  
  
Buy your shower from Psycho Showers. You'd be psycho not to.  
  
Man: Boring.  
  
He changes the channel.  
  
The Three Killers is on. (Black and white)  
  
Killer 1: Let's go kill.  
  
He hits Killer 2 twice on the head.  
  
Killer 2: Good idea.  
  
Killer 2 hits Killer 3 in the stomach.  
  
Killer 3: Kill now.  
  
He plays Killer 1 and 2 like drums.  
  
Woman: Nothing but cheap ads, slapstick or reality TV on.  
  
Man: That really bites.  
  
Ghostface runs downstairs.  
  
Ghostface: Hey get out of my chips!  
  
He stabs the man and throws the body on the ground.  
  
Ghostface: And out of my nail polish.  
  
He kills the woman too. Scene fades to black. 


	14. Final Scene

Scene 14: Urban Legend  
  
Ghostface is walking through the dining room when the phone rings.  
  
Ghostface answers it: Hello.  
  
Voice on phone: Did you hear what happened to Linda? Her boyfriend found her hanging from an oak tree above his car.  
  
Ghostface: That's just an Urban Legend.  
  
Voice on phone: Not just an Urban Legend anymore. Oh and Scott Wilson was found gutted on the pier this morning.  
  
Ghostface: That's just another Urban Legend.  
  
Voice on phone: Yes and now it's your turn to make an Urban Legend come true.  
  
Ghostface: I see the calls coming from inside the house! Could it be? An urban legend. Am I right? Hello! Now don't get shy on my all of a sudden. So this is the one about the babysitter. She's getting those scary phone calls and when she traces them back she realizes they're coming from inside the house. But aren't you forgetting something? I'm not babysitting any kids.  
  
Voice on phone: Wrong legend. This is the one about the old lady who dries her wet dog in the microwave.  
  
Ghostface opens the microwave. There is toy dog in there.  
  
Ghostface: Oh you Sicko.  
  
Voice on phone: What?  
  
Ghostface: My dogs not moving.  
  
Voice on phone: That's because it's a toy.  
  
Ghostface: But then why…  
  
Voice on phone: Oh sorry. Did I say dog in the microwave? I meant the one about the cat in the oven.  
  
Ghostface opens the oven and quickly runs into the toilet to throw up.  
  
The killer slowly walks up the steps holding an axe.  
  
The killer enters the laundry and throws a toilet paper roll at Ghostface.  
  
Killer: Toilet paper fight!  
  
They start throwing toilet paper rolls at each other.  
  
The End. 


End file.
